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When Cancer Wins: A Surviving Spouse's Story Prologue Some people will ask why I ever wrote this. Some will think I'm crazy for documenting something so obviously painful. The only answer I can give is that I needed to. Part of it was written soon after individual events occurred, while other parts were written much later. Some events might be skirted over while others have much more detail - it's not a diary, or even based on one, but merely a record of events as they unfolded and could be written about. I'm no literary genius but I sometimes find it helpful or even necessary to put my words down in print. Not usually for the benefit of others, just for myself. Often, it helps me work through difficult situations or thoughts and see things in a different light. In this case, I sensed that I needed to record events so that I might be better able to handle them emotionally. And I am glad that I did make such a record. As painful as it has been to write, it has helped me through some very tough times. Reliving some of these moments is tearful but somehow the tears have a cleansing effect and I feel a little better afterward. I also think it is important to preserve the history for my son, so that he will have a better understanding of events as he grows older, not for the pain but for the knowledge of the time and his admirable participation in aiding his mother through her final days. Why would I publish this for others to see? If only one person ever, in similar circumstances, reads this and realizes that they are not the only one to have such a shattering experience, and gains even the tiniest amount of solace from knowing they aren't alone and that many have walked a similar path, and that there may be hope for the future, then making it public will have been worthwhile. This story will never be finished. There can never be an end to a story that involves the loss of a loved one. Perhaps I will add to it as time goes by. First, some background on the "us" in this story. I first met Jan around 1973 or so. She was the sister of a good friend who I was involved with in car racing. She was feisty and her brother, as brothers often do, quarreled with her often and I basically ignored her. By 1975, I had met another girl, proposed, and married her. But it didn't work out and we were divorced 2 years later. In 1981, I found myself living just 4 houses away from Jan's home in the country. There were no immediate sparks or anything, but we gradually got to know each other better and I began to realize that she was much more than she had at first seemed - incredibly complex but fascinating. In the years since I first met her, she had also grown into a very attractive woman. She wanted nothing to do with me at first, I suppose since I had ignored her as a teen and had also married once, but gradually we grew together and by the spring of 1985 we became an "item". She was very fond of her independence, a trait I admired and viewed as a strength, but I talked her into marrying me, and we were wed on November 23, 1985. My birthday was the following day, so no gift-wrapping was required! I suppose we were late in marrying - she was 29, and I was 31 (32 the next day!). Like all married couples, we had our ups and downs but we got through every rough time and remained committed to each other. I loved her, and she loved me. In 1989, she lost her mother to cancer. We fought back from that to help her father. They had a large bush lot that they had planned to build on and he wanted us to live with him in a new home there. We agreed and I designed the house. Jan and I cleared most of the building area ourselves, working evenings and weekends with a chainsaw and hauling the logs and brush away by hand, helped by her brother on weekends. Before the house was finished, Jan's father was also diagnosed with terminal cancer and died the very same morning that we were to move in. In just nine months, Jan had lost both of her parents. It was a very tough time, but together we made it through. I have since found out that susceptibility to cancer can be hereditary. In March of 1992, Jan gave birth to our only child. Brad was born on March 26th, but her pregnancy also paralleled the discovery of cervical cancer. She underwent laser treatment soon after Brad was born and was declared clear by the following year. Perhaps it was an omen for the future. We lived the next few years happily, watching Brad grow. Unfortunately, we had to leave our Newmarket country home and move to urban Orangeville, but work is a terrible dictator. Neither Jan nor I was happy in subdivision life, and we soon started to think about moving out to the country again. We held off for several years, thinking our son might be better off in an urban environment, but after five years in Orangeville it still seemed we weren't seeing any positive benefits. By the time Brad was 11, we knew we needed to get back to the country. It took us almost two more years to find the 1.6 acre home site near Dundalk that we eventually arrived at but we were thrilled to finally be heading back to the country. Watching our dream house, our planned retirement home, be built on our lot was truly amazing. Not that it was some spectacular home, it wasn't, but it had everything we needed and wanted. We were living in a nearby motel, having had to vacate our Orangeville home according to sale terms in January, so it was a fantastic feeling to actually take possession of the house in late February of 2005. We absolutely loved the place. The peace, the quiet, the tranquility. After seven years of urban living on a 45-foot lot it was like owning a huge country estate. A pond in the front yard that was bigger than the entire house in Orangeville! We were in heaven, and we had great plans for the following year. To our pleasure, Brad loved it too and he was happier than he had ever been in Orangeville. That first year we intended to just keep the grounds tidy, plan our approach, and attack things the following year. But Jan was not one to sit idle and by late spring she wanted to start working on the pond. That first summer, we got about 1/2 of the pond shore (100 feet or so) lined with rocks. Doesn't sound like much but it involved several tons of rocks carefully placed over landscaping fabric, about 30 inches wide and partially underwater. Brad and I hauled rocks to the pond and Jan placed them. We also moved a great deal of earth to one end of the pond for a future waterfall. I only mention this because it was backbreaking physical work, even for me, but it was something Jan eagerly engaged in. At 5'4", and 120 pounds, she was petite but she was no "pedestal queen" - she could work as hard as any guy I've ever met. She truly had spirit - it was one of the key reasons I loved her. That first full winter was a tough one. We got socked with snow and some severe winter storms. Jan was a school bus driver, but she never missed a day's work unless the school board cancelled all the bus runs anyway. She'd fight her way out to the road and head off no matter how bad the snow or weather was here. Sometimes I thought she was crazy for even trying but there was no holding her back. More of that spirit that so characterized her. The rest of this story commences as we moved into the late stages of winter.
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